I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
