Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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