I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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