you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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