Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
