i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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