I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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