my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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