His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
