the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
