you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
