where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
im six kinds of drunk right now
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
