I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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