I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
