can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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