She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
