are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
