U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?