Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
