You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
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Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
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Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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