I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
