im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
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