Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
