last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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