I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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