I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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