If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
