Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
