we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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