you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
