just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Is it penis luge time yet?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
