god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
