When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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