Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
