I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
