my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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