it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
