also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
