You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
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I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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