Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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