He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
