Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
