uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
