The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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