Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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