you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
