Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
