1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
