I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
