Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
