new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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