if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
