Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
