remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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