Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
