So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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