I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
He has the fingertips of a God
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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