Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
