Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
