If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
