got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
