Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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