i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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